Once upon a time in a land far, far away there were three magical fairies who... Nah, I’m just bullshitting you. It was Africa, it was the 1950s, and Spencer, Marcus, and Ashford were dicking around as usual. Long story short, they found a pretty flower and learned pretty flower makes pretty virus and basically fucked their world over for decades to come by creating a company that made viruses and manufactured parasols as a cover.

And then, in 1960 and 1962 respectively, two very special boys were created/born who held the fate of the universe in their hands. Unfortunately, they were both created/born with a chronic case of totaldickholemytosis. It was found to be fatal for them in 2009 and 1998 respectively. But that’s another story for another day.

Where was I? Oh right. So, there was Birkin and there was Wesker, a pair of smartasses who just joined up with the Gonna-Fuck-Your-Shit-Up Corporation at the ripe old age of puberty. And then a couple years later, some shit went down.

Namely, some bitchy little fourth-grader started working there too. Birkin kinda flipped a shit and wanted to punch Alexia in the jeans. Luckily, she faked her death from imsuchabitchisis shortly after she learned she had a pissed off nutball on her ass. Smart kid.

Marcus was shot to hell at some point after that and Birkin and Wesker made failtastic mini-speeches over his dying body. Then he made out with a leech and was saved from his bullet wounds... Somehow or another, idk.

Rebecca and Billy Bob Thornton took care of Marcus/Generic RPG Villain Without Shoes while Birkin and Wesker were at the security room in the mall watching women try on clothes. Unfortunately, one of those “women” was Marcus and they got the shock of their 30-something years on earth. But then, luckily, Birkin decided to blow up the mall and then the roof fell on the leechy-bastard, IIRC. Maybe there was something about sunlight in there too. Whatever.

Then, Wesker decided to be a trad and lead Chris “Roid-Rage” Redfield, Jill “Master of Unlocking” Valentine, Barry “Beard” Burton, and a few other people that don’t matter because they got pwn’d anyway into some mansion in the middle of the woods. Long story short, OH MY GOD WESKER WORKS FOR UMBRELLA!!??!!??!!??!!?? Long story long, several different keys with various symbols, twenty thousand animal based crests, nine keycards, maybe a jewel or twelve, and pushing a few statues around for shits and giggles. Also, fucking Lisa Trevor. :|||||

Then, Birkin got shot in the dick a few times, injected himself with his PRECIOUS G-virus, raped his daughter, killed his wife, fucked with Ada a bit, and blew up a city. Clearly, he should have been paid overtime for this. Although, thanks to a bit of timeline rape, that didn’t technically happen to DDD’s Birkin yet and he’s been with Wesker as his live-in sex-slave/virus-slave/dishes-slave/slave-slave/bff since being brought to the ~*~FUTURE~*~. Of course, he knows about this because he’s addicted to YouTube. He even has an account. This is one of his favorites. Anyway. Claire and Leon pwn’d him after he turned into a vagina and started eating a train. And Jill was there with some Mexican guy or something too. Also, STAAAAAARS!

Remember that fourth grader? Yeah, she’s back with her craaaazy cross-dressing brother on this craaaaazy island. Claire and Steve made out or something and Wesker and Chris showed up later to further make this series really fucking confusing. Wesker is now Neo and this is the Matrix. And Steve died at some point too, thank God.

Then, Leon came back as a NINJA OMFG because he needed to save some fucking tart from these weird Spanish guys. ADAAAA, LUUUUUIIIIIS, MIIIIIKE, KRAUSER, SADDLER, SALAZAR, SMALL TIME, MY BOIII, JOLLY MESS, BIG CHEESE, WELCOOOME, STRANGA, RIGHT HAND. Krauser is also Birkin’s long-lost twin because they both have arm hax and Leon kicks their ass after a really long and pointless trek through utter shit collecting medallions. EYEBALLS EVERYWHERE. And Wesker’s doing something behind the scenes I think. Fucking Regenerators :|||||

I think at some point before that Sergei and Wesker had gay sex, idk, I was too busy focusing on Birkin sounding like a sixteen year old girl and Wesker sounding completely retarded in that game to actually remember much.

We get to meet a BUSINESSMAN WITH STAAAANDAAAADS who is lulzy as hell and hates it when people MAKE HIM LOOK BAAAD. He’s the Meowth to Excella’s Jesse and Wesker’s James, more or less. See figure 133-7

Aaaaand here comes Ms. Tits McGee. She wants to fuck Wesker, Wesker’s still gay for Birkin, but he strings her along for the lulz and the fact that she’s got a metric fuckton of money. So, Wesker kidnaps Jill, Chris is emo, Sheva’s intelligent, and there’s black guys on motorcycles with chains. THEN, we learn Wesker was evidently created by Spencer for no actual reason at all while we’re ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER DON’T YOU EVER FORGET as a part of the mysterious Wesker Project where some guy named Wesker made OVER 9000 clones and then injected them with shit for... Some reason maybe. Something about becoming a god, I guess. Sheva turns into Jill in some weird flashback thing because Chris’s steroids are finally reacting with his brain. They fight Wesker in a volcano after crashing a plane because they’re made of fail. And he turns into a hentai tentacle monster at some point and makes you use all your ammo and resort to your knife before you learn there’s a button mashing sequence that makes this fight a million times easier by looking up a walkthrough on the interbutts.

He’s supposed to die, but thanks to afore mentioned timeline raep, Birkin decides to be a pal and drag Wesker’s sorry ass out of the lava and gives him a band-aid. Aaaaall better~

As a sort of amusing side note, there are apparently four versions of the RE world connected to DDD. That is - the proper 'present' one, which has gone through RE5 canon, whichever one Birkin came from, Excella's, and also the one Alfred is still stuck in. Fucked up timeline? You betcha!

...We have a timeline?

DON'T CONTRADICT ME.

THIS IS WHY THOSE PEOPLE I MADE UP THINK YOU'RE ABUSIVE.